Inked

I once overheard a bubble gum chewing tequila shot taking gal say to a table of lady friends, "OK you guys, I decided I'm gonna get a tattoo (swallow and pause), I just don't know what I'm gonna get or where I'm gonna get it."

Well sister I've got you beat. I know I am not getting a tattoo. But if I were, I know I would get that street sign (in photo) tattooed above my vajayjay.

Sarah B. I love you but...

I hate liquid fabric softener. I don't get it. I think it's gay. I just Cheer and Bounce (dryer sheet) AND I get compliments on my laundry smell. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

2 Things I Hate

Thing one...
When doctors in hospitals talk about praying.
People go to hospitals for science not God.

Thing two...
When at a TGI Fridays (don't ask) and on your way to being seated the hostess says, "Welcome to Fridays, have you ever been here before?"
A. Who the fuck has never been to a Fridays?
B. How the fuck is this dining experience going to be like something I have never experienced before?

I Need A Vacation

My fear of flying is less of a fear and more of an anxiety. It is an anxiety that starts at the onset of purchasing my plane ticket. Did I pick the right day? Did I pick the time? Did I pick the right month? Did I pick the right airport? I check the flight calendar. I check the personal calendar. I check the flight calendar again. I check the personal calendar again. I book the flight. I think about going out of town. I am not excited.

The week before going out of town I start thinking about packing. Four days before going out of town I start packing. I set aside outfits. I count and recount the amount of days I am going to away. I count and recount my outfits. I figure out coats, bras, shoes, jewelry, underwear, socks and whatnot. Then I pull out the large suitcase and double XL carryon bag. I place all valuables in the carryon and everything else in suitcase.

Now the panic of being away from my stuff sets in. What if I forget something? What might I forget? I might forget the stuff I cannot readily pack four days in advance like my toiletries, computer, cell phone, cell phone charger, camera and iPod. I talk myself off the ledge and start making a list to ensure I am not to forget anything. What if I forget to put something on list?

Then I start to panic about leaving my apartment for x amount of days. What if I forget to turn off the lights? What if I forgot to turn off the gas? What if my apartment catches fire? What if someone else’s apartment in my building burns down? What if someone breaks in? What if a pipe bursts? What if Grandpa Kenny dies and I never get my mail? What if everything? What if anything?

Travel day comes. I have packed and repacked and packed and repacked and packed and repacked. I have counted my hours. My flight leaves at 8pm. I have to be at the airport at 7pm. I want to be there at 6:00/ 6:15pm. I need to leave the office at 5:15/ 5:30pm. I am fixated on 5:15pm for the entire day. Forget the cab. I hate cars and what if there’s traffic? What if there's a sick passenger on the train? What if the bus breaks down? What if the AIRTRAN decides not to run? What if it rains? What if my flight gets cancelled? What if I miss a gate change? What if this? What if that?

All of this and I haven’t even thought about the plane crashing. I have no time to think about the plane crashing. By the time I am on the flight Xanax has already kicked in. I get settled into my seat. I have my headphones positioned in such a way the flight attendants cannot see them so they don’t have to wake me up to take them off. I sleep through take off and without fail I wake up just as the beverage cart approaches. I order and drink my Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Marry Mix. I fall back asleep and wake up arriving at my destination.

It’s no wonder I need a vacation after the vacation. I do not travel well. Nor do I like to travel. I think about going out of town and panic. I become anxious. There is nothing about traveling that feels like a vacation to me. And I travel as a party of 1. I cannot wait until I have a husband, 5 kids and an imaginary dog.

Cuddle Party

"What's so weird about a cuddle party?" Becky asked me.

"Ahhhhhhhhh the party where it's a cuddle party," I replied.

"Seriously, cuddle parties are creepy? Tell me more," Becky responded.

"Dude, it's a fucking cuddle party. What sounds not creepy about that? Are you a cuddler?" I had to ask.

Becky then said, "I know, the guy who runs it is sort of creepy."

She didn't really answer my question. Cuddle parties are weird. I am uncomfortable. I feel dirty like I need to shower.

Out With The Old In With The New

It was time for a new phone. My old phone was crusty and nasty and people had a hard time hearing me on it. I once dropped dinner on the mouthpiece and tried cleaning it out with a safety-pin needle, puncturing the microphone in the process. I somehow managed to not get a new phone and worked it out. This was a good thing. I don't have phone insurance and I talk a lot.

I am not one of those people that says, "I'm not a phone person." I am 100% a phone person. I am one of those people that is on the phone for hours at a time. Some of my favorite weekends are spent in bed catching up with family and friends until I need to recharge to continue talking. I take baths, eat and sometimes even fall asleep talking (or rather pretending to listen) on the phone. I'd never texted. However, it was time. I was due for a new. It had been 2 years.

Saving $150 on a phone makes it almost free and it kinda is if you buy the bottom of the line. It also feels free if you are buying a Crackberry Pearl for only $100 (I am not with AT&T so iPhone was out). I thought about it. I held it my hand, played around with it and thought sure, why not, if I am going to go I should go big. The Crackberry's limited offer plan included unlimited internet, unlimited text and your basic calling time of 450 daytime minutes and unlimited nights and weekends starting at 7 PM weekdays for the low low cost of $80 which would really be about $100 after insurance and taxes and all that.

I thought about it some more. I put the Crackberry back in its holder. I'd never texted. I am not buying and selling stocks at the moment. I am not all that important that I need to be so hooked in to all, all the time. I don't own my company. I don't want to. I don't even want to check my email when I am not in front of a computer. Why was even entertaining the idea? Because $100 has now come to feel like $1.00 and I can allow myself to pay $1.00 for a new phone so why not go for the gold? Because I don't need to. But more importantly, I don't want to.

I went for the flip phone that was runner up for the cheapest. It takes pictures. It doesn't have speakerphone. It looks clean and it's the same shinny maroon color of my old phone. I was comfortable with it. I bought it. I bought it for $20. My plan is about $50 a month. I got rid of the international calling plan they had been surprise billing me for and I added the text.

Yeah I text now. After texting my buddy Nellie, "look at what I can do," she welcomed me to the year 2002 . I think I'm gonna like it here. And who needs a speakerphone when I can just go Bluetooth. I am now in contract for 2 more years. I have 30 days to exchange my phone and I kinda want to.

Can't Stop, Won't Stop

SUMMER JAMZ 2008.

Thanks to Cousin Rachel and and B I'm putting these shits on some repeat.

I can't stop.

I won't stop.

5.2 on the Richter Scale

My mother called me yesterday morning. "Everything and everyone is fine," she said. I had no idea what she was talking about. I have no contact with the outside world and its on-goings before I get to work. Apparently there was an earthquake in St. Louis. She told me it woke her up. She made it sound more fun than scary. I wasn't sure how to react. "Was there any structural damage to the house or the city," I asked. One overpass I use occasionally was operating out of it's two center lanes. Debris had fallen off its sides and that was about it.

Growing up in St. Louis, I feared tornados and later learned to fear floods. Neither were much going to affect me directly. My parents home is above the flood line and they do not live in a trailer park. Only once did I fear the possibility of an earthquake. Iben Browning predicted an earthquake to happen on December 3, 1990 along the New Madrid fault line, running through St. Louis. I was terrified. I took to my journal to deal with it. After many pages of wanting to die, I began begging for life. Many people I knew took the day off of school. My parents wouldn't let me. They did however earthquake proof the house.

My mother bought a gigantic Tupperware tub filled it with a can opener, a can of tuna, a jar of peanut butter, batteries, a flash light and I don't remember what else. She kept it on the unfinished side of the basement. It was a type of earthquake insurance, I suppose. The trouble being, you would have to be right next to it in the event of an earthquake and hope that no debris fell on top of the Tupperware tub or yourself, preventing you from opening it. However, it made us all feel better knowing it was there. I no longer think it is.

Sent from my iPhone

No I do not have an iPhone. Although I did make the signature on my gmail account "Sent from my iPhone" for the fun of it. It's fun b/c I feel like I'm stealing only I'm not really stealing. It's like buying a Chinatown Gucci bag. It's amazing how many people are all, "YOU have an iPhone?" Why can I not be on the cutting edge and ride the technological super highway with everyone else? So what, if I had an iPhone. What's the big whoop? I think it makes iPhone owners mad that I am "stealing" and I am not sure why, but that's what makes it so much fun for me.

Body Of War

This is not a funny movie. I cried throughout the entire film and I fell in love with Robert Bryd (D-WV). I think you might too. Body of War is being shown at Landmark Theaters across the US. Please go to see this movie and bring your family, friends and enemies. If anyone asks why, just tell them Phil Donahue said so and follow that up by simply stating, "Phil Donahue is AWESOME!!!"