dear diary

FLASH ANNOUNCEMENT: "They" and "Anonymous"

2010-07-12T11:59:00.003-04:00

It's been years, I know, I am sorry I have been hiding for so long. I will no longer be uncredited, nor am I searching for past dues or congratulations. I just want to say that I am the "THEY" that always says things AND I am the "ANONYMOUS" author of the poem Footprints as well as many other literary works.

Yeah, No, I Didn't Quit

2010-07-09T10:39:00.004-04:00

A few weeks ago I ended yet another short stint at a shitty "company". The population of that organization was three, including myself. The boss/ owner was an utter douchebag that asserted his power by calling me names like kiddo and sweetheart. Maybe that is something you have to do when you keep CEO placard on your desk facing yourself so that you are reminded of your power as a boss of two. I spent my afternoons napping in the bathroom using the toilet paper roll as a make-shift pillow. I couldn't take it. It wasn't for me and I knew that at about day three for sure. I suppose one could say I had set myself up to fail. Having said that, I am not morning this loss nor am I upset. I embrace this moment as the end of a struggle in helping others attempt to live their dream. It is time I start living my own.

Happy Be-lated Birthday America!

2010-07-05T10:32:00.003-04:00

Nothing makes me hornier than the 4th of July and competitive eating. Watching Joey Chestnut pack hot dogs in his face gets me all randy in my downstairs. I couldn't be any prouder to be an American.

Get Raped

2010-06-05T00:59:00.003-04:00

It is customary to tell performers, "break a leg". I am not sure why, but it is not good to wish them, "good luck". This leads me to believe that it must not be good to tell gals traveling home alone during late night hours, "get home safe." It should become customary to tell them, "get raped".

Die You Fat Fuck Israeli Jew Bastard

2010-03-13T09:12:00.004-05:00

In general, I don't hate Jews or Israelis, but I have a lot of anger towards this one in particular. He's a fat fuck company owner with bad hair and a terrible speech impediment that he tries to hide behind his stupid fucking accent (IN ENGLISH YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE). He also fired me after working for him for 7 weeks because he needed my chair for clients. I quit my previous job for this mother fucker. What the fuck? Sure I was in "business development" and sure the one job I brought in he told me we didn't have room for and sure when they called him there was magically room available. Fuck him. This mother fucker knew I had a learning curve when he hired me, which is why he hired me b/c I was cheap. And when I asked him what his expectations were for me to deliver, he told me it could take a while. Guess what you fat fuck Israeli Jew bastard? A while is more than 7 weeks. DIE. Fuck you and your company.

Fuck you and your family

2010-02-05T17:24:00.005-05:00

I don't know what to make of people anymore. People should stop making their problems other people's problems. So you have have pregnant wife at home. So what. Who cahs? You think no one else has ever been pregnant before? Guess what... People have been getting pregnant for years. Not my problem. And if it's a problem for you now, just wait until that fucking kid is born. Talk about problems. So you have kids at home, I don't cah. Why do you think I cah? So what. I just asked you if you could work this weekend. I don't need to know that you have to talk to your wife and sort out childcare. Again not my problem. I get that it has to be done, but I don't have to hear about it. All you have to say is, "Let me see what I what I can do. I would love to make this work." That's all. And if your fucking wife or husband or whatever the fuck isn't cool with you earning a living, I don't need to know that either. Just simply say, "You know what I can't work this weekend, I'm booked, but thanks for thinking of me." That's it. It's that easy. Because when you start to make your fucking problems my fucking problems, guess what... I will never fucking work with you again. I can't. You know why? Because I already fucking hate you and your fucking family.

Sometimes you can't unsee things

2010-01-21T10:01:00.002-05:00

So I think watching animals fuck is hilarious. What's not hilarious, is having seen a walrus suck his own dick affect your dreams. This happened to me. I had a dream that I had an elephant trunk penis hanging where my clitoritis should have been and after jerking it like a man piece, I trying shoving it in my lady hole all the while wondering why it took me this long to figure out that I was a hermaphrodite.

It's Go Time

2010-01-10T09:53:00.005-05:00

Let's do this. It's go time.

Tomorrow is Monday. After Monday is Tuesday. After Tuesday is Wednesday. After Humpday is Thursday. After TGIT it's thank mother fucking god it's mother fucking Friday bitches.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I will no longer run on treadmills in dark rooms. Grandpa Shapiro always said, "If you don't like your job quit." Dad always said, "What Grandpa Shapiro didn't say was, "... but be sure to have another job before you do."

My father is not much of a risk taker. As I am my father's daughter, I don't take many risks myself. In listening to them both, as a Shapiro, I developed a mantra of my own, "Anywhere but here."

I got a new job and quit my current one. It's go time. I have a new beginning. I have a new year. And I have an Empire state of mind.

Get Laid

2009-12-22T15:00:00.005-05:00

It is that special time of year when I get to feel something other than my own fingers inside me. I went for my annual gyno appointment. I was in good spirits as was my gyno. We made chit chat about the last time I had a period, how I don't smoke and the fact that I am not currently sexually active. She happily gave me a 3 month supply of the pill which I happily thanked her for and then we got down to business. She got handsy with my boobs, had me scoot to the end of the table, swabbed up my innards and finger banged me while pressing on my stomach. After slipping off her lubricated rubber gloves and writing out my prescription she said, "As I have been telling all my non-sexually active patients, let's make 2010 the year." - True story.

In this economy....

2009-12-04T14:39:00.004-05:00

I hate all the "in this economy..." talk. In this economy you should be happy to have a job. Well you know what, I'm not. In this economy you should fuck the fuck off. Let's talk about that. Let's stop talking about the economy.

I am freaking out

2009-11-03T16:40:00.002-05:00

I might just lose it. My co-worker/ office mate makes an AHHHHHHHHHHH noise after each and ever sip he takes. It doesn't matter if he is drinking a hot or cold beverage. It's always an AHHHHHHHHHHHH noise after the swallow. I want to say something to him about it, but if I do I know it is going to sound bad.

Fitness is important to me

2009-10-28T22:44:00.000-04:00

The Magic of Being Me

2009-10-01T14:49:00.005-04:00

As I was sitting in the waiting room of my doctor's office yesterday, I quietly passed gas and I felt the gas bubble up into my downstairs lady part. It reminded me of a time long ago when I was headed to Chesterfield Mall with my mother and sister and I asked, "Do your farts ever bubble up towards your vagina?" And they both replied, "I have no idea what you are talking about." After many failed attempts of trying to describe exactly how my farts bubbled up towards my privates, I gave up and understood my farts and vagina to be somewhat magical. But it wasn't until yesterday that I learned how magical they in fact truly are. It was as I was walking through the grocery store, after leaving the doctor's office, that I felt the fart that bubbled up into my downstairs lady part escape. Now sure I can queef on command, but I have never farted a bubble into my vajayjay that later made its way out. It felt as though I farted a rainbow and birthed a unicorn. And that is the magic of being me.

Love Is...

2009-09-17T14:03:00.002-04:00

Apparently love is having a girlfriend and exploring other lady friend relationships and this really confuses me. I like a boy and I am pretty sure he likes me, but he has a girlfriend and yet still emails, calls and wants to hang out with me. And when we have hung out he pays for me and is not with tons of cash. I keep trying to make it "dutch" because he does have a girlfriend and is broke, but I suppose these are not my problems. Dearest diary, what am I to do?

Bjorn Porn

2009-08-18T17:32:00.002-04:00

Just the other day I was hanging out with my friend and her baby. Her baby was strapped to her in the Bjorn. She was talking about how her and her husband had been having lots of sex recently. Which made me wonder if her husband ever took her from behind while she was wearing the baby in the Bjorn while making a sex tape. So I asked her and learned that that was not something they were in the habit of doing. Personally, I think it would make for great porn. But that's b/c I think porn is hilarious.

I WANT MY 2 DOLLARS

2009-07-29T15:24:00.005-04:00

My dumb cunt of an employer owes me over two thousand dollars from my 2008 commissions. She told me she needed to give me a week off unpaid and then a few weeks later told me she didn't have the money to give me a raise so she wanted me to take a week off paid, stating that one had nothing to do with the other. She makes no sense. She's an insane cunt who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. When I was venting to one of my co-workers (when I first started working here) about her smoking my cigarettes and stealing my Ju Ju Fruits the response I got was, "Wait 'til she puts her finger in your hummus." She eats anything and everything belonging to anyone in the office b/c she honestly thinks it's hers being that she signs our checks. This was proven when our freelance accountant asked to be paid on her invoice. The dumb boss cunt's reply, "I cannot pay it in full!" The freelance accountant then asked again to be paid explaining that she helps cover her parents rent and that she needs to be paid in order to do that. The stupid cunt boss then begrudgingly gave her two hundred dollars in cash and said, "I hate that I have to pay your parents rent."

Dear Bike Riders

2009-07-21T18:08:00.002-04:00

Ride your fucking bikes. Do not bring them on the subway. So it's raining and you don't like to ride your bike in the rain. Sorry, start checking the fucking weather. Sucks to be you. Stop making your problems my problems assholes. Bikes are to be ridden not to ride the subway. Oh and when you ride your fucking bike, ride it in the street. Sidewalks are for walking. Thanks.

I Want That Thing

2009-07-02T23:39:00.002-04:00

That one thing where everyone is just like bring it. Like MJ and his moonwalk. Where you wait for it and he brings it and you're just like yeeeeeeeeeeeeah. I want that thing. I'd like to do that to people.

Michael Jackson Beat It?!?!?!?!?!?!?

2009-06-25T18:11:00.006-04:00

The man in the mirror is no longer in the mirror. I am out of my mind. My childhood is gone. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to morn. CNN has not yet reported him dead. TMZ and Perez Hilton say otherwise. Sheesh. What's going on? What happens with Paris, Prince Michael and Blanket?

Obsessed

2009-06-23T10:10:00.002-04:00

First, I needed an intervention from watching too much Intervention. Now, I am totally obsessed with Obsessed. I was not so into it at first, but after last night's episode where a woman kept her miscarriage in her freezer for seven years in a brown paper bag, I was sold. Thanks A&E. Keep up the good work.

What's Your Trim Style?

2009-06-08T17:35:00.008-04:00

This commercial surprises me. It would make me uncomfortable watching it with my father. We don't have gennies in my family. We are all Barbie (like the doll) on our downstairs.

I've Got a Secret

2009-06-02T16:49:00.004-04:00

My hair is now from the olden times. I use the Psssst and it really works. Ever since I stopped showering and only wash the body and full head about twice a week, I've had problems with looking like I haven't showered. To not feel that way I have been washing the face every night and the bang every morning. But the secret is the Psssst. It's AMAZING!!! It dries the grease right up off my head. I never have to shower ever again. Good thing I cannot smell myself.

Turns Out The Medication Lets Me Cry

2009-05-18T23:29:00.006-04:00

Much like Marley and Me would have me thinking about Kimi (our family dog from the time I was 3 - 20), movies about old people have me thinking about my grandparents, of which all have passed. I happened to catch the Alzheimer's special on HBO the other night and could not stop crying. It was all so sad and painful. Getting old sucks. Grandpa Shapiro used to always say, "Whatever you do sweetie, don't get old." I listen to him. I'm not planning on getting old. I never asked to be here, I believe I should have the right to decide when it's time for me to go. It's a fucking shame you can be advised to put your dog down, but not your elders. It just doesn't seem right.

My Sister My Friend

2009-05-13T16:13:00.003-04:00

My sister and her husband were just in town a few weeks ago visiting. I had a great time with them. They stayed with me. I put them in my bedroom. I slept on my couch. I was totally OK with this arrangement. It's amazing what a little Zoloft can do. I never really thought my sister and I looked much alike until I saw this picture.

Dirty Birdy

2009-05-08T10:10:00.002-04:00

I have not been into showering for while now. I used to shower every day if not twice a day. Now I like to see how long I can go without showering. Last week I showered Monday and Thursday. This week I managed to push it a day and showered Monday and Friday. This is all an experiment to see if the universe is attracted to my pheromones.

SNACKLISH

2009-04-27T14:14:00.003-04:00

I cannot deal with the SNICKER ad campaign and its fucking PATRICK CHEWINGS, MASTER P-NUT, SIR SNAKCSALOT, PEANUTARIUM, CHOMPENSATION, SIGMA NOUGAT, PEANUTOPLIS, NOUGATOCITY and SNACKONOMICS. Every time I turn around it's fucking SNACKLISH on buses, billboards and fucking SNAXIS. Alright already. It's annoying and I want to punch SNICKERS in it's SNI-JAY-JAY. MAKE IT STOP!!!

Merry Easter

2009-04-12T10:35:00.002-04:00

These little cum guzzlers really take me back to the good old-fashioned fun times. Sitting in a finished cold spring basement watching TV and only caring about maintaining my awesomeness at Pitfall, Missile Command and people that knew how to play barbies right.

Happy Passover

2009-04-09T14:14:00.002-04:00

Some people celebrate Passover and leave the door open for Elijah. Other people celebrate Passover and lay down on the floor to queef on command.

Times are tuff and yet not hard enough

2009-03-31T18:20:00.003-04:00

All I want is a hard stool and new job. Is that asking for too much? The work stress has manifested itself in the form of diarrhea which I imagine is why I crapped my pants a few weeks ago. I have not touched cotton again, but I have been having hot bottom gas which makes it feel and smell as though I've wet myself time and time again. The good thing is my hair has been looking great.

Time Served

2009-03-26T12:30:00.003-04:00

So I lied about my juror summons being stuck in the pages of an unread magazine. I remembered getting the summons notice and putting it in my desk. I thought I would remember the date, but I didn't. After catching up on an old episode of 30 Rock where Tina Fey's character had jury duty, I was like, "SHIT! FUCK! JURY DUTY!" Panic set in.

It just so happened to be that the day that I remembered jury duty was the day I was summoned to serve. Of course no numbers listed on the summons were helpful in providing me any information at 11:30 pm nor was the web address any help either. I decided that is was best for me to show up at jury duty the following day to see what I could do to make up for my stupid mistake. I figured actually being present was better than making a phone call being that I didn't have $1000 to give up for missing jury duty, nor was I interested in going jail even though jail seemed like a lot more fun for me than going to work at this point.

Turns out, for once, I made the right decision. I was instructed to simply change the date on the summons and wait to be called. After waiting around all day, they never called me. And these days you are no longer asked to come back the following day. Shortly after 3:30 everyone was given their letters of time served and we will not have to come in for jury duty for another 8 years. God bless America.

I'm Going To Jail

2009-03-24T23:49:00.002-04:00

I had jury duty today. I fucking just found the juror summons in a magazine that I hadn't yet read. There is no where on there telling you what to do if you miss your date other than "Failure to respond may result in criminal contempt of court and is punishable by a fine of $1000 or imprisonment not exceeding 30 days or both." And there is also this, "ALL APPLICATIONS FOR POSTPONEMENTS OR EXCUSALS MUST BE MADE PRIOR TO YOUR DATE OF SERVICE" in bold, caps and underlined. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa now what?

MYFACE/ SPACEBOOK

2009-03-21T20:06:00.006-04:00

I feel really uncomfortable. My old buddy from third grade came over for brunch this afternoon. After eating and watching the "Janet" episode of Intervention, we looked at her myface/ spacebook page so I could see photos of all the people we knew growing up in suburban St. Louis.

It was weird glancing into these windows of these worlds of these people I used to know. I wouldn't even recognize walking past most of them in an airport, even in Lambert. It's fucking weird. They're fat and have kids and suburban houses and spouses and dogs and some of them even still hang out with one another. Even I was hanging out with my old friend from third grade looking at all these people. Age is not kind.

Wanting to thank my buddy for coming over and bringing H&H, I could not thank her on her wall. I am not part of that myface/ spacebook community. And I might have to join it at some point, possibly even soon. And that leads me back to my feelings of dirty and uncomfortable.

At least in blog land you are friends with people you never knew. The whole whatever it is about myface/ spacebook makes me uncomfortable. And then even more uncomfortable because I don't really know why it makes me uncomfortable and why everyone else seems so okay with it.

Oops I Did It Again

2009-03-20T18:28:00.002-04:00

This morning in a work meeting, I crapped my pants. It wasn't a shart b/c I wasn't trying to push out a fart and accidentally shit myself. It was more like my ass just leaked. There I was sitting in the bosses office and then all of a sudden there was shit (an oily discharge) in my underpants.

Who wants to fuck?

Tween Wolf

2009-03-18T23:56:00.001-04:00

I am not so sure how I feel about this. It just makes me uncomfortable.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T10:16:00.001-04:00

It never gets old. I like watching this more than I like drinking.

Show Me On the Doll

2009-03-08T13:38:00.007-04:00

I feel funny in places my bathing suit covers.

Is it weird that my Uncle Pat sent me this stating, "Just to get you in the mood for St. Patrick’s day….."

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a Week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is This Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,'sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed Up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough, The priest turned To the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

Mr. T Knows Fashion

2009-02-27T13:54:00.002-05:00

Thanks Boo

I Need An Intervention

2009-02-15T09:05:00.003-05:00

I cannot get enough Intervention. It's the most amazing show ever. I just started watching the show this year. It has been on for a while. My most favorite episodes thus far are Jill (the not yet 30 year old, former dancer, with the sex tape and the mother unable to say "I love you") and Janet (the mid 40 year old, lady of leisure with a sex addiction and a 75 year old boyfriend that she has had for 4 weeks). They are both alcoholics. And I have to say that the drunks are the best b/c they fall a lot and falling is hilarious. Don't get me wrong the show is horribly depressing and sad as fuck, but at the same time hilarious which when all is said and done equals AMAZING. It airs Monday nights on A & E, 2 episodes, back to back and I believe it starts at 8pm EST. My name is Amy, A-M-Y and I am addicted to Intervention.

Nadya Sulleman

2009-02-10T14:09:00.006-05:00

I want this bitch tar and feathered and hung in the town square. I want her fertility specialist to lose his/ her license to practice. I don't know where she is getting the sperm or who is putting it the sperm in her, but it's all so wrong. Bitch has a stupid fucking Brady Bunch already. It is even harder for me to understand b/c I don't really get the need to reproduce period. I am not a fan of the concept. I kinda think of making babies as a terrible thing for the environment and one of the most non-green things a person could chose to do. Humans are garbage dumps. Humans that reproduce, reproduce more garbage dumps. When I look at her stupid fucking over worked face and I think about her stupid fucking over worked uteri I become enraged. It's all so wrong. I can't with these people. What ever happened to when one couldn't reproduce naturally for them to simply scratch it off and say it's God's way?

An Apple A Day Gets The Va-Jay-Jay Some Play

2009-02-04T01:06:00.003-05:00

My co-worker IMed me the link to the article on cnn.com with the headline, "Surgeons remove healthy kidney through donor's vagina". He pulled the quip from the article stating, "If you asked our patient, she said it was like getting a tooth removed." Sounds like fun. The last thing that came out of my vagina was a speculum. Looks like I need to start donating organs.

Fuck The Oscars

2009-01-31T09:32:00.005-05:00

Sure I like movies as much as the next guy that likes movies. But come the fuck on Academy. I cannot fucking believe that The Wrestler was not nominated for best picture and that fucking Forest Gump bullshit called Benjamin Buttons got 13 mother fucking nominations.

Benjamin Buttons sucks the chapped diarrhea ass of an Africa monkey with AIDS. Benjamin Buttons is long and it is boring. The fucking wrinkled piece of shit baby should have been born a full-sized old man and not an old man baby. Or he should have died a full-sized man and not baby Shilo Jolie Pitt. Fuck that shit. It sucks.

The Wrestler is awesome. It is dark and depressing and I cannot say enough wonderful things about it. A++++++.

Slumdog Millionaire is OK fine. I am all good with its nominations. It is shot well. It is edited well. It has great use of music. That said, it loses me at the end with the bathtub and the money and all that shit.

Milk is fine. It's a great American tale and a true story at that, but I have a hard time with biopics. Sean Penn is bringing life to Harvey Milk not a character, unless you argue that he is bringing to life the character he played in I Am Sam.

I still have to see Frost Nixon.

The Reader is boring. Interesting, but it feels like 2 separate movies. It should have been cut as a flash forward flash back. I like that there is wang in it b/c you don't get that that often, but there isn't enough wang for it to win me over 100%. Defiance wins the best Nazi movie of the year for me, if you are into Nazi movies, I am not. If I were I might have liked The Reader more.

I know Revolutionary Road was not nominated for best picture but it's hard for me to not talk about it when talking about The Reader. Revolutionary Road I am sure is a much better book. I don't care for any of the characters or their suffering. It doesn't get dark enough for me. I want this couple to feel more trapped and regretful. I want to see it, not just hear it. That said, the film did justify every decision I have made in my life thus far to stay away from the environmental hazards I like to think of as children, marriage and life in the suburbs.

Now I know this film is also not nominated for best picture (and thank goodness), but I have to mention Rachel Getting Married b/c I hated it. I hated it so much it made me violent in the theater. I cared for none of the characters. The multiculturalism of the event was wildly unbelievable. The music was irritating and annoying. It seemed like no one but Rachel and her sister Kym really talked throughout the film. I hate that the sister's name is Kym and not Kim and I only know this because I watched the credits, which did not come soon enough. That fucking reception scene lasted WAY to long. The father was a faggot which would have been fine if he was a gay, but he was on his second marriage to a lady and not one character (NOT ONE) in the film was like, "What's up with Rachel's dad? Does his wife know he's gay b/c I do?"

Cannot wait for Oscar night.

Don't Be That Guy

2009-01-22T11:46:00.004-05:00

I hate when people send you an email with the entire chain of forwards attached. Delete that shit, then send it. It's too much to scroll through and people aren't into forwards period, the less work the better.

Send mass emails BCC. I FUCKING HATE REPLY ALL and then the reply all to the reply all. With groups organizing something fine, but holiday greetings, BCC that shit.

Don't type etc. etc. or and so on and so on. Once is suffice, twice is redundant and makes me want the typist to die.

When you need someone to hold on just say it once. No need to be all hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Same thing goes for OK and wait.

Don't be like Caroline Kennedy and say, "you know" after everything you say. It's incredibly annoying and quite frankly I don't know and now don't care.

No need to add "and whatnot" to the end of any sentence. Simply give me what the and whatnot is and if it isn't anything don't make it sound like it is more than it is b/c it's not.

Blue Monday

2009-01-19T12:57:00.003-05:00

I thought spending my weekend alone on couch island was responsible for my feelings of depression, but turns out I am not alone. Today, also known as "Blue Monday," is the most depressing day of the year according to what the people tell me. The people tell me it is calculated by using many factors, including: weather conditions, debt level, time since Christmas, time since failing our new year’s resolutions, low motivational levels and feeling of a need to take action.

Thank the sweet Baby Jesus it's all up from here. I thought this was the beginning of a rebirth of my teen angst years, the years that birthed the "suicide tape" I made that my mother found. It was a compilation of every depressing song I had ever heard from Christopher Cross's "Think of Laura" and Alphaville's "Forever Young," to some song that I cannot remember, but has the sounds of ghostly children playing on a playground.

I kinda wish I still had that tape. Not sure if my mother took it from me or not. I just remember her standing in my doorway with the tape shaking in her hand, crying and asking me over and over again, "What is this? Why do you have this?" That tape would be the "lonely bus" music to soundtrack today, "Blue Monday". Good times. Good times.

Turtles Love to Fuck

2009-01-13T00:56:00.003-05:00

Who knew? I didn't. I wish I was more lady turtle-like and could just be fucked without thinking about it so much. If I were a lady turtle I would just be all hanging out up inside my lady shell and then BAM the next thing I'd know I'd be all mounted and humped and moaned upon. And once turtle dick goes in, that's it, it's stuck there until man turtle finishes. And that is how turtle babies are born. So when the baby turtle asks the mommy turtle, "Where do turtle babies come from?" Mommy turtle says, "Rape I guess."

2009

2009-01-06T17:19:00.003-05:00

Go out if there is any chance of getting laid or a new job.
Have sex with almost anyone that wants to fuck.
Don't think about stuff too much.
Take any job that pays more and insurance.
Stop picking.
Stop popping.
Get more than 4-6 hours of sleep.
Take more pictures.
Juice fast at least once for 10 days.

The Snuggie

2008-12-29T21:55:00.004-05:00

Watching the TV these past few days I have been seeing nothing, but Snuggie commercials and fell in love. I think it would go well with my Lanz of Salzburg gown and using my remote. Maybe if I was able to have made it home for Christmas I would have received a Snuggie as a gift like my friend Tracie. Her grandmother bought her one. I wonder if she too got the free book light.

The Big F YOU

2008-12-25T00:57:00.005-05:00

FUCK YOU American Airlines. More like Bullshit Airlines. You fucking stupid cunt of an airline. What the fuck? My flight was scheduled to take off at 6 PM. Then it was delayed and delayed again and was then scheduled to take off at 10:10 PM until the entire flight was canceled. CANCELED!!! It was then I learned I was being put on another flight scheduled to leave Christmas day at 6 PM. And it was at that point when I lost it. A. What's the fucking point? B. What's the fucking point? Full refund, please and thanks.

The Visa was fully (or mostly fully) refunded. Then I got pissed and angry and wanted to take some shit down and crack a few fucking skulls. Remaining pissed and angry, I cried, mostly b/c there was no where for me to put my anger and rage which was only heightened by mother fuckers everywhere wishing me, "Merry Christmas." "FUCK YOU, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" I shouted back.

--Note to self, never wish anyone a merry anything unless you are opening the door to said anyone or unless said anyone is opening the door to you--

I cried some more and took the NJ transit back to the city where I caught the subway home to Brooklyn crying all the way, ha ha ha. I thought about worse things and how I was angry about going home anyway being that it wasn't going to be much of a Christmas this year, with everyone and their other plans. But it was supposed to be my last Christmas with my family or the family that lives in St. Louis. Turns out that Christmas was last year. And then I cried some more and thought about my mother crying when I told her I wasn't coming home at all. And then I cried and cried.

FUCK YOU AMERICAN AIRLINES!!!

Merry Fucking Holidays

2008-12-24T01:50:00.006-05:00

I love it when my mother threatens my lack of Christmas spirit or the fact that no one is coming in town for Christmas, but me by saying things like, "Well, then I'm just not going to decorate for Christmas this year." Ohhhhhh nooooooooo not that. Don't take that away from me.

Christmas crap is gay. I hate it. There is soooooooo much of it everywhere and in my parents house (even more in my aunt's house). My mother is always wanting to clean out the unfinished side of her basement. How about starting with the Christmas shit that takes up about half of it. It's like there is a Santa Land off season down in that basement and it's set up right next to the old Apple IIE computer complete with floppy disks and the box it originally came in back when the Apple logo rocked the rainbow.

I'm over it. I've always been over it. Christmas was fun when I was little, but Christmas for adults without (real) kids is gay. And now Hanukkah has become a Christmas decoration itself. Or at least Christmas people have made it that way. Every time I see a fucking tree the menorah is not far behind. And now in my co-op we have a tree, a menorah and some Kwanzaa candles and offering bullshit. What the fuck is that? It's a joke. That's what it is. Happy Holidays. Merry whatever you celebrate.

And my family too with menorah on top of the TV and the Christmas tree in the living room with the Dickens Village under the tree and the snowmen figurines and stuffed snowmen sitting and hanging around everywhere. It's just plan silly. I mean pictures literally come down off the walls and up goes Christmas art. Assorted candles come out of their holders and are replaced with red, white and green candles that are never lit, EVER. My mother's tea pot collection goes from her anytime teapots to her Christmas showcase of assorted Santa and snowmen teapots. Ask me how many times a day my mother drinks tea. Zero. My mother drinks tea zero times a day. It's insane. And don't ever again threaten to take that away from me. Don't even think about it and may you and yours enjoy your The Seven Principles of Blackness, I know I will be.

What's In a Name?

2008-12-19T13:32:00.002-05:00

Why Wet Ones? Really? Wet Ones? A wet one is a shart, a sweet sweet shit fart. Why would I want to wipe my tokhes with a Wet One. That's like wiping a wet one with a wet one and that is not a case of two negatives making a positive. It's just gross. Ask for one, it just sounds wrong. Can you pass me a wet one? It's like buying someone a bouquet a babies breath. So gross. Babies breath. Wet Ones. What's wrong with people?

Equus

2008-12-18T13:53:00.003-05:00

Tonight I am off to see Harry Pooter's naked ass and broom stick along with a naked horse. You know what I love? Wang. You know what I love more than wang? Magical wang. You know what I love more than that? Magical wang on Broadway.

My Baby Girl

2008-12-13T14:16:00.000-05:00

Civil War Part Deux

2008-12-12T00:34:00.009-05:00

First Barnes and Noble shuts it's doors on 6th Ave and 21st Street, then Anheuser Bush sells itself to InBev, then the mortgage and banking crisis, then the heartbeat of America (the auto industry) goes belly up, then Linens and Things closes, then Office Depot shuts down a bunch of stores, then KB Toys goes under and now Bank of America is scheduled to lay off 300 to 350 thousand people. YES WE DID! America we are screwed.

Yey, we've got Obama to lead us into this mess (and hopefully get us out). I know it's not his fault, but please tell me this isn't the change he was promising. I know he is not yet president. He is still president elect, but we couldn't have elected him at a more worse time. I love the guy and I couldn't have been more excited on November 5th, but I am kind of freaking out.

I heard Tuesday and read today that the government is going to collapse come February 2009 (Google that shit). Not sure if we'll sell our these here United States to some European company or government or to someone the Middle East or Asia or Mars, but due to this collapse there is predicted to be another Civil War. Not sure between who and whom (the haves vs. the have nots, the Red states vs. the Blue states, the North vs. the South, the city vs. the suburbs, the skinnys vs. the fattys, Scientology vs. everyone else or Prince vs. Michael Jackson), but "they" say come as soon as February 2009 it's go time. Come December 31 I'll be partying like it's the early to mid 1860s.

Why Do You Hate Babies So Much?

2008-12-09T17:46:00.003-05:00

My co-worker asked me yesterday why I hated babies so much. And for the record... I don't hate babies. They never asked to be here.

Improv is Gay

2008-12-08T17:47:00.005-05:00

And I know cuz my brother's gay, so I know. Well I don't really have a brother, but I know that improv is gay b/c well... I did it. I took the classes. I had group I practiced with and performed with from time to time. I went all out. And then well everything kinda fell apart.

I liked some of the people I was performing with and the others were really fucking annoying to me. I kinda hated them. However, the ones I liked I liked a lot and I thought they were super talented and really really funny so I held out and hoped for the best and that wasn't all I did. I drank a bit and smoked some weed before the shows hoping it would make the people I didn't like more tolerable kinda like what I do to be around family during the holidays.

Normally one wouldn't think that would be a problem. Comedy goes well with weed and alcohol. No? And I always thought the drinking and the weed would help make the the people I didn't like talented and funny. And it did, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was that the group had decided (collectively) to do sober shows. And that was fine with me if they wanted to do them sober, but I needed some help.

It was all working fine until one of the people I liked saw me taking a sip of "water" out of my Jameson injected Poland Spring water bottle. And that was the end of end of my improv career. Game over. I was out. I thought that was pretty gay, but improv (for he most part) is pretty gay so go figure.

My Sweet Crack Faces

2008-12-03T11:48:00.007-05:00

Walking past the same strange faces everyday they sometimes become familiar, like Cracky Granny and Cracky Muscles. They are a couple I assume b/c he walks with his arm wrapped around her like a late 80s high school prom photo. They are cracky b/c they both have that crack face that makes them look like they are 100, which mostly likely does not reflect their actual age. She is Granny b/c her crack face looks older than his. He is Muscles b/c he is super tall and filled with muscles.

I used to see them almost every time I left my office and walked a few blocks. I started to get excited every time I saw them the way I did when I used to find the "Indian" with the bow and arrow shooting the star on the Tootsie Pop wrappers. Neither really mean anything, but to me they did. Then all of sudden they disappeared. I thought they might have found a new crack location or worse that they might have died.

But then... yesterday I saw Cracky Muscles walking around. It brought me the feeling of awesome joy. It was pretty amazing too, just as I was thinking about whatever happened to the Cracky's, Cracky Muscles appeared. I wanted to hug him, but realized that would be weird. I didn't ask him where Cracky Granny was b/c that too would have been weird. I am hoping I see her today. I like that they are probably fucking and I am not.

Excuse Me While I Slip Into Something A Little More Comfortable

2008-11-25T16:10:00.002-05:00

Nothing says, "Take me here. Take me now," quite like my Original Tyrolean Print Flannel Gown by Lanz of Salzburg. My fashionable lady friend turned me on to my Lanz, they were on sale down at the TJ Maxx. Neither of us has stopped talking about it ever since. I love it. I live it. When I wear it I feel hot and sexy and ready to fuck.

Another Letter

2008-11-18T10:27:00.003-05:00

Dear Macy's,
You are always fucking having a stupid sale. 10% off if you spend this amount. 20% off if you spend this much. 15% off furniture and housewares. Yeah right, "this week only," until next week when I can save $10 off any purchase over $25. The annoying part about your coupon sales, I don't get the sale price unless I have my stupid fucking coupons.

Ever since I bought my couch from you and opened a Macy's credit card to get $100 off the already marked down price, I have been receiving fucking coupon catalogues and coupons disguised as invitations and coupons that look like credit cards. So waste fulfil. It's annoying. STOP!!!

You spend more money printing and shipping me those stupid fucking coupons than I spend in your store on a weekly basis. Track my spending. I have not been back since I bought the fucking couch. And if I am entitled to a discount for having a line of credit at your store then fucking honor my discount without all your garbage coupon bullshit.

I know why you send me coupons. You create the idea that I can save big at your store filled with quality products and if I don't spend right fucking now I'm missing out on your low low prices. But guess what Macy's? I still have to spend money I don't have to save money I don't have. I learned this from Old Navy back when I was walking around there store last year trying to find things to jam into my "stuff-n-save" bag and found myself perusing the sleeper section just to buy something just to save something.

Fuck Old Navy and their ill-fitting slumberwears. And fuck you Macy's. Not gonna do it. Not falling for your advertising tricks. There is no such thing as a free lunch and I don't feel like I am saving and winning when I know you are taking advantage of me. And please stop sending me all this coupon crap. It's making me crazy.

Sincerely,
Soapy T.

I've Written A Letter

2008-11-12T12:44:00.006-05:00

Dear Landmark Sunshine Cinema,
Fuck you. What do you mean you can only sell medium and large bags popcorn merely b/c you ran out of small bags? My friend wanted a small bag of popcorn. You fucking charge her for the cost of a small and either bag her a medium or large bag of popcorn stating, "today's your lucky day" or you bag her the amount of popcorn in a small bag into a medium or large bag.

I call bullshit on your stupid-ass theater employee or the manager or whomever said, "Charge them for a medium or a large, no smalls today." The fact that your theater had no small bags of popcorn to sell should in no way negatively affect the customer at the gain of your corporation. It is an inconvenience on the behalf of the theater. It should negatively affect the corporation at the gain of the customer.

I am calling boycott. I will no longer be going to the Landmark Sunshine Cinema on East Houston and if I do it's to steal a movie not pay for it. Fuck you and your poorly managed staff and theater. I like supporting movies. However, I will not support your theater.

Sincerely,
Soapy T.

Proud To Be An Amurican

2008-11-05T01:29:00.007-05:00

WE WON!!! I was at a friend's house about an hour away from home watching election coverage. I had a firm out to make it home before midnight missing the final-ish score. After getting off the train, I stopped at the deli to pick up some drink and heard Obama talking on the TV but couldn't see anything b/c it was below and behind the counter. I said, "We won?" Everyone in the deli responded, "Yeah. We won!!!!!!!!!!" I cried and said congratulations to everyone I passed on the rest of my walk home. It was beautiful. I am so excited. Much like the Valtrex commercial sings, "It's a brand new day." I am happy. I am home. I am proud. I am United States of Amurican.

Forget to Vote

2008-11-03T14:37:00.003-05:00

If you know any Republicans in PA, OH, FL, IN, MO or CO please don't remind them to vote. And if they remember to vote, remind them to vote for Pedro. I cannot tell you how excited I am for this all to be over. I have felt so much stress over this election that it has socially paralyzed me. I call it PES, Presidential Election Syndrome. My father calls it EDD, Electial Dysfunction Disorder. The symptoms are mostly watching at lot of Fox News for the left; Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. I just want all the kinks in my neck and shoulder blades to go away. I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Happy Whorelloween

2008-10-31T00:48:00.014-04:00

This year I am going to dress up as a sexy whore-ish Coco T who stays at home. I cannot go out. I hate Whorelloween. I get really confused and afraid and like every other night would much rather stay home and watch the TV waiting for late night Skinamax to go soft-core where I can celebrate my "me time" and bring my week to a relaxing close. Although one of these years I will dress up as a sexy whore-ish naughty Lisa Marie Nowak and wear sunglasses, a wig, a trench coat, an adult diaper and carry a garbage bag with pepper spray, a rusty shiv and $500 bucks. It's like a trick and a treat all in one.

Fuck You, Your Wedding and Your Baby

2008-10-29T12:28:00.003-04:00

I am sick of buying people shit for their weddings and their babies and then you buy your home and send out your change of address and no one buys you shit or even sends a fucking house warming card. I'm retiring from the rules of eetiquette when it comes to weddings and babies and shit. The new rule is, if you didn't send me anything for a house-warming present I am not buying you shit for your baby or your wedding. This house is all I have and all I ever wanted. I'm not getting married. I'm not having kids. This is it. This house is my wedding. This house is my baby. It's payback time.

We Have A Winner Folks...

2008-10-15T23:58:00.012-04:00

And it's not "Joe The Plumber." I cannot deal with this election much longer. I just want it all to be over. I want to high five my friends and hug a "neighbor" in Brooklyn celebrating the fact that we have our first 1/2 black president. And if I were really Jewish, I would say that Obama was really white b/c his mother is.

I have crush on Obama not only b/c he's hot, but b/c he's not so old he should stop driving and retire and he's not friends with people (as my cousin Rachel says) in the hospital i.e., Nancy Reagan and Ted Kennedy. Oh all that and the fact that his running mate isn't a dumb cunt that is pro-hunting and anti-abortion.

If I created the child, I should be able to abort it as well. Every parent should have the right to say, "I made you and I sure as shit can take you away!" I'm all for population control of all species. Not to mention humans are gross and wrong and the reason for our financial crisis, dependence on oil and the cause for the destruction of our universe as we know it.

If there were less of us we might not be in this mess. Fuck "Joe The Plumber" and fuck John McCain and the Republican elephant he road in on. Joe would never make more than a quarter of a million dollars anyway so there's no point to make him the focus of the debate John McCain.

First "my friends" and now "Joe The Plumber." What up with these catch phrases and why do you, John McCain, even want to be president? You used to be my favorite Republican and now you're just old and mean and talk out of every side of your mouth and let the Republican puppeteers pull your strings and make you not only look, but sound like an asshole.

Are Jew Working Today?

2008-10-09T16:04:00.008-04:00

I am half Jewish. Therefore, I am at work, but I am not working. I am not fasting either. I fasted for like 3 hours yesterday, breaking that by eating an apple at sundown which held me over until dinner when I ate delicious stinky cheese from Paris. Then I went to bed. I woke up this morning, couldn't wait to shower, put on my makeups, perfumes, deodorant and leather shoes. After all that I had sexual relations with myself and went to work to repent.

Totally Unsure

2008-10-07T13:48:00.003-04:00

I have been living alone for the past 5 years. Up until the end of July I was living in a studio apartment. I now have a one bedroom apartment and every night before I go to bed I stress over whether or not to shut my bedroom door. I have been keeping it open, but think I might try keeping it closed. But then I wonder what I am closing it for. I had no doors to close in my studio. I closed my door when I had roommates b/c I had roommates. But now that I don't what would be the point. I kind of feel that if I were to close my bedroom door I might be inviting unwanted guests. And then I think those are crazy thoughts and yet still sleep with the door open. I want to close it and I can, but for some reason I am finding it hard. I need to work this out. It's kind of stressing me out.

Guess Who I'm Not Voting For?

2008-10-06T16:21:00.004-04:00

ENJOY!!!

More Hate

2008-09-26T15:45:00.004-04:00

You know what else I hate? When you are leaving town and people want to know what time your flight is. Why? What does it matter to them? And when you tell them it affects their lives how? And do they really care or are they just asking to make conversation? And even better, in New York people pretend to also care what airport you flying out of. And even better than that, they want to know how you are getting there. As if flying was stressful enough I have to think about these things for other people. And then when you get back in town and are talking to people they ask when you got back. Who cares? I'm back.

Imaginary Family

2008-09-18T17:51:00.016-04:00

Being a mom is tuff stuff and I know b/c not only do I know a lot of moms I am one. I have 13 imaginary children (including 1 imaginary still birth) and an imaginary invisible dog named Howard (he's great with the little ones). The kids names are, Coco, Beaux, Babe and Buddy (they are twins), Metoo (adopted, Asian), Birdy, Ruby, Jesus (we call him Issy), Sir Lord, Lady, Fancy, Lucky and Tex. Lucky didn't make it, died in childbirth. All have the last name Shapiro. They all have different fathers (I love to fuck), but their fathers don't matter b/c I am raising them Jewish and Jews don't recognized the father as mattering all that much so I don't either. We are forever growing. We are happy. We are healthy. We recycle. You can see them all by the rock in the above photo.

Another Thing I Hate

2008-09-12T14:47:00.005-04:00

I hate when people use the term we and it's all about me. For example...
My co-worker was given a fish in a tank from a lady friend. He decided to keep the fish in the tank at the office. The fish was there in the tank one Friday and not the following Monday. He never dumped the water. Weeks pass. By this time a thin layer of scum is coating the top of the water in the tank. I ask, "Are you planning on dumping that water?" He told me I could dump it if it was bothering me. It was bothering me so I dumped the water. The next day he tells me that his lady friend told him it was good that we dumped the water. We? I dumped the water. There's no I in team. There's no we in team. And there's no me in we.

It's So Good

2008-09-04T12:35:00.003-04:00

Republicans are scary. Poltics in general frighten me, but Republicans frighten the fuck out of me.

I'm saving the planet mother lickers

2008-08-28T09:54:00.002-04:00

Environmental Defense Fund: Polar Bears
by hourigan

One of the greatest things about me is my low carbon footprint. I am very proud of that about me. I have no children. I have only one home. I don't have a car. And I ride the MTA.

Where are you Daddy?

2008-08-26T16:03:00.003-04:00

Michelle Obama gave a fantastic speech last night. She looked super and her hair looked AMAZING. Everything was going great until the Obama kids took the stage. Why? Why pimp the kids out? I thought it was just plan weird. I thought it was weird that the Obama kids didn't know where their father was. I thought it was weirder that their father didn't know where he was. First Barack stated that he was in Kansas City, then that he was in St. Louis, then that he was in Kansas City again. I know that you are traveling a lot and all, but you are on live TV buddy. I still have a crush on him and all, but don't say you are in St. Louis when you are not.

"Ahhhhh your dots are showing."

2008-08-22T17:26:00.002-04:00

That's what my old college roommate used to say to me when I would lounge in such a way, exposing all that should have been hidden. She was referencing my assne or ass acne as it were. I saw a dermatologist regarding this a while back and got a pretty sweet topical that took care of business, but much like herpes the assne is back. I am none too happy about it. It's hard to feel pretty, especially when you know you have dots to hide. Maybe this is why I don't have a boyfriend.

The "R" Word

2008-08-15T10:04:00.004-04:00

I think it's pretty fucking retarded that people are protesting Tropic Thunder over the whole retarded thing. The protesting is actually great publicity for the feature, just like the tsunami was for Petra Nemcova's modeling career. Sad but true. It's one of the reasons I was more excited to see the film. The reason I'd see it again... Les Grossman. It's not that I love Tom Cruise, it's that I love Les Grossman, just like I don't really love Bruce Willis, I love David Addison. There are so many things about this movie that should have kept me away, like Tom Cruise, Ben Stiller and Jack Black to name a few, but I couldn't get there fast enough. I was excited to see it. I saw it. I loved it. I'd buy it on DVD and watch it again and again. That said, it was a bit longer than it needed to be, but for sure run, go and see this film. You are retarded not to.

Take two of these and call me in a week

2008-08-13T09:57:00.004-04:00

When my boss is having her period she always has to announce it. I think it might be b/c she is still happy she is having one, like it's a sign of her youth. Whatever the reason is it's gross, annoying and I don't like it. It's information I don't need to know and it's information I don't want to know. I just want her to take her Pamprins and shut the fuck up. Vaginas are gross and periods make them grosser. If you don't want to have a period you don't have to. You could get pregnant and breast feed for the rest of your life or take birth control pills non stop without giving yourself the week to bleed, have gas and weird period shits. Or you could talk to someone else b/c I don't want to hear about it.

The Masturbater

2008-08-06T19:03:00.002-04:00

I have a buddy that masturbates with some type of electric comb from a time when electricity was first invented. I use my dead grandfather's massager. My Aunt bought it for him. He never used it. After he passed away and we were cleaning out his room she was all, "Ohhhhh there is the massager I bought him." She found it hanging out in a hard to reach place in his closet. I was all, "I'll take it!" And I have been using it ever since. I was able to get rid of the other battery operated toys that look like masturbating weapons. It was part of me death proofing my house about 6 years ago. The thought of people finding that stuff mortified me. The massager just looks like a massager, only I know it's my masturmassager. Thanks Grandpa. I kinda want to know what the electric comb is all about it. They must not call it "the purr" for nothing.

Montauk Monster

2008-07-30T14:08:00.004-04:00

My buddy Smack forwarded me the article on GAWKER regarding the monster that washed up on the shore in Montauk. Rumor has it the monster is from Plum Island. Plum Island scares me. This monster scares me. It looks like an abortion.

Moving Sucks, Album Drops

2008-07-29T16:09:00.008-04:00

My buddy Nelson created a country album cover for me. I think it's awesome. So awesome I want to make a country album. I could script songs about how moving sucks.

I hate moving. I am not one for change and I changed apartments. I am out of my studio and living in a one bedroom apartment where my new bedroom is bigger than my old apartment. I didn't have time to be sad or nostalgic about anything. I am after all still living in Brooklyn. I did however leave the neighborhood I have been living in for the past 8 years.

There were no tears when I had my going away dinner with Grandpa Michael and my elderly neighbor lady friend Susan. There were no tears upon packing. There were no tears when I gave Grandpa Kenny my forwarding address. There were no tears when I made plans with neighbor Cathy that never came to be. I love to cry and I couldn't even force myself, I tried. I was too busy packing and sweating over the move to cry. No time for breakingdown.

The only time I got sad was when I went to the Key Food to take a plastic bag. I ran over to the grocery store and asked my my favorite checker for some plastic bags and told her that I was moving and needed to pack up my fridge. She wanted me to come to say good-bye before I moved. I told her this was it the movers were packing up the truck. She looked sad and I know she was b/c she gets mad at me when I don't go to her line. Finally I wanted to cry.

I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me too. She told me she would miss me. I told her I would miss her more. I blew her a kiss with a wave and she made a sad face. I think this makes for a beautiful country song. I think I might be crying.

I want to hug you bumpless Jerry

2008-07-21T13:39:00.002-04:00

This quail egg sized sack used to live in my buddy Jerry's back. He had the cyst for about 25 years. Every time I would hug him I would feel it and tell him to have it removed. I would then ask to be invited to the removal b/c I'm into that kind of thing.

There was a time a few years ago that Jerry sent me an evite to the lancing of his cyst. For some reason or another he never made it to that appointment. However he did make it to his appointment earlier this week. This photo was sent from his phone at the doctor's office. I hope you can enjoy this as much as I did.

Back From The Dead

2008-07-16T12:32:00.003-04:00

Everyone is nuts and instead of going on and on about it, I just like to nip it in the bud with a, "Why be normal?" It's my new expression of late. I like expressions.

This beats Oprah in spirit

2008-07-11T10:14:00.004-04:00

This is everything beautiful and gay. I love it so much. It made me cry. If this were me I would have everyone dry humping their cousin's husband, which is why it's not me and why it is safe and for everyone and why I am not.

---Thanks Suzie Fah

Hooker Fucker

2008-07-03T15:03:00.004-04:00

Ever paid for sex? I haven't. People do all the time. I guesstimate that 1 in every 5 guys has fucked a hooker. My buddy Nicebombs thinks I am way over guesstimating this. Am I?

Touch Me In Places That Make Me Feel Uncomfortable, Please

2008-06-27T10:12:00.003-04:00

I HATE MY BOSS

2008-06-25T00:44:00.011-04:00

My boss is a cunt. Tonight she called me an idiot. She became furious with me for stating that Bowery (the street) was North of Houston. She yelled at me on the street on our way to a party after catching a screening of some short films our client edited. I calmly asked her to stop yelling at me. I then told her she was getting worked up about something that was totally not worth getting worked up over. And I told her she had no business calling me an idiot.

I was 100% sure Bowery is North of Houston. She pulled the old I'm from New York (suburbs not city, mind you) and you're from St. Louis and I've been here 100 years and you don't have a clue what you are talking about. Now, I know I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box, but I do know Bowery is North of Houston, I just sometimes get confused as to if it is 2nd or 3rd Avenue. Something told me it was 3rd Avenue and I was right. After spotting Bowery Bar I knew she knew I was too. I said nothing.

She never apologized. She simply stated upon saying good bye to me at the end of her evening, "I hope you not still mad at me." Mad at you? I was never mad at you. I have always hated you. I think you're a bitch. I think you're a slob. I think you're gross. I think you are rude. I think you are crude. I think you are fat fucking jealous insecure cunt. I think YOU'RE the fucking idiot.

Kit

2008-06-18T10:34:00.005-04:00

My mother called me the other day to ask me if a girl named Kit wanted to kick my ass in junior high. I told her yes. I then asked why she was reminding me of this terrible memory. It was then my mother informed that Kit was my father's physical therapist.

Kit was a year older than me in school. My sister was two years older than me in school and in the same grade as Kit's two older sisters (twins). I always thought Kit's twin sisters were beautiful. I thought Kit was beautiful as well, but that was before she threatened to kick my ass when I was in the 7th grade.

Before I went walking blindly though the halls of Parkway East Junior High, I familiarized myself with my soon to be new surroundings. I studied the shit out of my sister's 8th grade yearbook. I wanted to know the who's who of the soon to be 8th grade class. I was trying to decide who I wanted to be friends with and who I wanted to avoid.

Kit was one of the people I wanted to be friends with. She was a younger sister. I was a younger sister. She had long hair. I wanted long hair. She was best friends with Pam. My parents were friends with Pam's parents. And judging by her 7th grade school photo, Kit was pretty and looked like fun. I liked surrounding myself with pretty and fun people. Kit was going to be my new friend.

Shortly after school started, I heard from someone that Kit wanted to kick my ass. I was never told why, but I was terrified. How could that girl in that 7th grade school photo that looked so pretty and fun have turned into such an ass kicking all black wearing hesher? I was terrified.

I don't remember how or why our shake down never happened, but I made sure to keep a healthy distance from Kit throughout my remaining years in St. Louis. I left St. Louis at 18, some years ago. Often wondering what happened to many of the names of my youth, never once did I think one of these people would end up in childhood home performing physical therapy on my father.

My mother says Kit gave my father a good workout throughout their month together. My father really likes Kit. He told her yesterday he was glad she kicked his ass and not mine. Yesterday was my father's last day of physical therapy with Kit. She hugged him goodbye.

I'm Voting Republican

2008-06-17T14:01:00.000-04:00

The Strangers

2008-06-09T18:03:00.004-04:00

I went to see The Strangers this weekend. It wasn't bad, it just wasn't what I thought it was. I thought it was a movie about a couple that sits on their hands and then rubs one out in front of the other. I was wrong. It was much scarier than that.

I Like The Things I Thought I Hated

2008-06-04T12:39:00.002-04:00

Who knew I liked white shoes? I didn't. On more than one occasion I have stated, "I hate white shoes." I have two pairs in my closet, a pair of Jack Rogers sandals and a pair of Adidas Stan Smith tennis shoes. Turns out I also like beige shoes. Despite hating the word beige I also own two pairs of beige shoes. I have a pair of Mossimo beige flats from Target and a pair of geriatric cruisers I picked up off the internets that look like band-aids and I love them. I learned this about myself at brunch on Sunday. I also thought I hated brunch. It is now my new favorite meal.

Controlling Births

2008-05-29T16:53:00.003-04:00

I love that RU 486 is called RU 486. Yes I am for 86, like when they 86 the mash potatoes at a restaurant. I hate mashed potatoes. I also love that Plan B is called Plan B, like Plan A didn't work so well so we'll go with Plan B. I love abortion. I think everyone should have at least one if not more than one.

Inked

2008-05-23T11:06:00.008-04:00

I once overheard a bubble gum chewing tequila shot taking gal say to a table of lady friends, "OK you guys, I decided I'm gonna get a tattoo (swallow and pause), I just don't know what I'm gonna get or where I'm gonna get it."

Well sister I've got you beat. I know I am not getting a tattoo. But if I were, I know I would get that street sign (in photo) tattooed above my vajayjay.

Sarah B. I love you but...

2008-05-21T12:05:00.012-04:00

I hate liquid fabric softener. I don't get it. I think it's gay. I just Cheer and Bounce (dryer sheet) AND I get compliments on my laundry smell. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

2 Things I Hate

2008-05-12T12:54:00.009-04:00

Thing one...
When doctors in hospitals talk about praying.
People go to hospitals for science not God.

Thing two...
When at a TGI Fridays (don't ask) and on your way to being seated the hostess says, "Welcome to Fridays, have you ever been here before?"
A. Who the fuck has never been to a Fridays?
B. How the fuck is this dining experience going to be like something I have never experienced before?

I Need A Vacation

2008-05-06T01:17:00.005-04:00

My fear of flying is less of a fear and more of an anxiety. It is an anxiety that starts at the onset of purchasing my plane ticket. Did I pick the right day? Did I pick the time? Did I pick the right month? Did I pick the right airport? I check the flight calendar. I check the personal calendar. I check the flight calendar again. I check the personal calendar again. I book the flight. I think about going out of town. I am not excited.

The week before going out of town I start thinking about packing. Four days before going out of town I start packing. I set aside outfits. I count and recount the amount of days I am going to away. I count and recount my outfits. I figure out coats, bras, shoes, jewelry, underwear, socks and whatnot. Then I pull out the large suitcase and double XL carryon bag. I place all valuables in the carryon and everything else in suitcase.

Now the panic of being away from my stuff sets in. What if I forget something? What might I forget? I might forget the stuff I cannot readily pack four days in advance like my toiletries, computer, cell phone, cell phone charger, camera and iPod. I talk myself off the ledge and start making a list to ensure I am not to forget anything. What if I forget to put something on list?

Then I start to panic about leaving my apartment for x amount of days. What if I forget to turn off the lights? What if I forgot to turn off the gas? What if my apartment catches fire? What if someone else’s apartment in my building burns down? What if someone breaks in? What if a pipe bursts? What if Grandpa Kenny dies and I never get my mail? What if everything? What if anything?

Travel day comes. I have packed and repacked and packed and repacked and packed and repacked. I have counted my hours. My flight leaves at 8pm. I have to be at the airport at 7pm. I want to be there at 6:00/ 6:15pm. I need to leave the office at 5:15/ 5:30pm. I am fixated on 5:15pm for the entire day. Forget the cab. I hate cars and what if there’s traffic? What if there's a sick passenger on the train? What if the bus breaks down? What if the AIRTRAN decides not to run? What if it rains? What if my flight gets cancelled? What if I miss a gate change? What if this? What if that?

All of this and I haven’t even thought about the plane crashing. I have no time to think about the plane crashing. By the time I am on the flight Xanax has already kicked in. I get settled into my seat. I have my headphones positioned in such a way the flight attendants cannot see them so they don’t have to wake me up to take them off. I sleep through take off and without fail I wake up just as the beverage cart approaches. I order and drink my Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Marry Mix. I fall back asleep and wake up arriving at my destination.

It’s no wonder I need a vacation after the vacation. I do not travel well. Nor do I like to travel. I think about going out of town and panic. I become anxious. There is nothing about traveling that feels like a vacation to me. And I travel as a party of 1. I cannot wait until I have a husband, 5 kids and an imaginary dog.

Cuddle Party

2008-05-01T00:27:00.008-04:00

"What's so weird about a cuddle party?" Becky asked me.

"Ahhhhhhhhh the party where it's a cuddle party," I replied.

"Seriously, cuddle parties are creepy? Tell me more," Becky responded.

"Dude, it's a fucking cuddle party. What sounds not creepy about that? Are you a cuddler?" I had to ask.

Becky then said, "I know, the guy who runs it is sort of creepy."

She didn't really answer my question. Cuddle parties are weird. I am uncomfortable. I feel dirty like I need to shower.

Out With The Old In With The New

2008-04-29T07:33:00.021-04:00

It was time for a new phone. My old phone was crusty and nasty and people had a hard time hearing me on it. I once dropped dinner on the mouthpiece and tried cleaning it out with a safety-pin needle, puncturing the microphone in the process. I somehow managed to not get a new phone and worked it out. This was a good thing. I don't have phone insurance and I talk a lot.

I am not one of those people that says, "I'm not a phone person." I am 100% a phone person. I am one of those people that is on the phone for hours at a time. Some of my favorite weekends are spent in bed catching up with family and friends until I need to recharge to continue talking. I take baths, eat and sometimes even fall asleep talking (or rather pretending to listen) on the phone. I'd never texted. However, it was time. I was due for a new. It had been 2 years.

Saving $150 on a phone makes it almost free and it kinda is if you buy the bottom of the line. It also feels free if you are buying a Crackberry Pearl for only $100 (I am not with AT&T so iPhone was out). I thought about it. I held it my hand, played around with it and thought sure, why not, if I am going to go I should go big. The Crackberry's limited offer plan included unlimited internet, unlimited text and your basic calling time of 450 daytime minutes and unlimited nights and weekends starting at 7 PM weekdays for the low low cost of $80 which would really be about $100 after insurance and taxes and all that.

I thought about it some more. I put the Crackberry back in its holder. I'd never texted. I am not buying and selling stocks at the moment. I am not all that important that I need to be so hooked in to all, all the time. I don't own my company. I don't want to. I don't even want to check my email when I am not in front of a computer. Why was even entertaining the idea? Because $100 has now come to feel like $1.00 and I can allow myself to pay $1.00 for a new phone so why not go for the gold? Because I don't need to. But more importantly, I don't want to.

I went for the flip phone that was runner up for the cheapest. It takes pictures. It doesn't have speakerphone. It looks clean and it's the same shinny maroon color of my old phone. I was comfortable with it. I bought it. I bought it for $20. My plan is about $50 a month. I got rid of the international calling plan they had been surprise billing me for and I added the text.

Yeah I text now. After texting my buddy Nellie, "look at what I can do," she welcomed me to the year 2002 . I think I'm gonna like it here. And who needs a speakerphone when I can just go Bluetooth. I am now in contract for 2 more years. I have 30 days to exchange my phone and I kinda want to.

Can't Stop, Won't Stop

2008-04-24T00:08:00.006-04:00

SUMMER JAMZ 2008.

Thanks to Cousin Rachel and and B I'm putting these shits on some repeat.

I can't stop.

I won't stop.

5.2 on the Richter Scale

2008-04-18T18:53:00.010-04:00

My mother called me yesterday morning. "Everything and everyone is fine," she said. I had no idea what she was talking about. I have no contact with the outside world and its on-goings before I get to work. Apparently there was an earthquake in St. Louis. She told me it woke her up. She made it sound more fun than scary. I wasn't sure how to react. "Was there any structural damage to the house or the city," I asked. One overpass I use occasionally was operating out of it's two center lanes. Debris had fallen off its sides and that was about it.

Growing up in St. Louis, I feared tornados and later learned to fear floods. Neither were much going to affect me directly. My parents home is above the flood line and they do not live in a trailer park. Only once did I fear the possibility of an earthquake. Iben Browning predicted an earthquake to happen on December 3, 1990 along the New Madrid fault line, running through St. Louis. I was terrified. I took to my journal to deal with it. After many pages of wanting to die, I began begging for life. Many people I knew took the day off of school. My parents wouldn't let me. They did however earthquake proof the house.

My mother bought a gigantic Tupperware tub filled it with a can opener, a can of tuna, a jar of peanut butter, batteries, a flash light and I don't remember what else. She kept it on the unfinished side of the basement. It was a type of earthquake insurance, I suppose. The trouble being, you would have to be right next to it in the event of an earthquake and hope that no debris fell on top of the Tupperware tub or yourself, preventing you from opening it. However, it made us all feel better knowing it was there. I no longer think it is.

Sent from my iPhone

2008-04-15T00:39:00.009-04:00

No I do not have an iPhone. Although I did make the signature on my gmail account "Sent from my iPhone" for the fun of it. It's fun b/c I feel like I'm stealing only I'm not really stealing. It's like buying a Chinatown Gucci bag. It's amazing how many people are all, "YOU have an iPhone?" Why can I not be on the cutting edge and ride the technological super highway with everyone else? So what, if I had an iPhone. What's the big whoop? I think it makes iPhone owners mad that I am "stealing" and I am not sure why, but that's what makes it so much fun for me.

Body Of War

2008-04-10T01:42:00.006-04:00

This is not a funny movie. I cried throughout the entire film and I fell in love with Robert Bryd (D-WV). I think you might too. Body of War is being shown at Landmark Theaters across the US. Please go to see this movie and bring your family, friends and enemies. If anyone asks why, just tell them Phil Donahue said so and follow that up by simply stating, "Phil Donahue is AWESOME!!!"

Dear Oprah,

2008-04-07T10:58:00.006-04:00

Show me your penis. Oh wait you don't have one and neither does this guy. It's not really all amazing or news-worthy that Thomas Beatie is pregnant. You know why? Because he's a she. And you what? Shes can get pregnant. That's what makes them shes and not hes. So she doesn't have boobs and has facial hair. So what. Some of the women I have worked with have no boobs and facial hair. What's the big deal? There is no defying science. There is no penis. There are ovaries. I have ovaries and I have boobs and you know what, I look pretty sweet with facial hair. And when I say pretty sweet, I mean fucking hot, so hot that I'd fuck me. And if I did and I got pregnant, that would be a story. That would be news-worthy.

I hate everyone.